Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

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Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Angela on Mon 08 Nov 2010, 2:05 pm

First topic message reminder :

I’m trying to be mature and patient but it is getting so hard.

Oct 17, my step son and his girlfriend had a baby at 28 weeks. 3 months premature. Mathew was born at 2 ½ lbs and I got to see him that morning. The mother has some ‘problems’ in judgement and the nurses picked up on this the very first day and social services was called in and the child became the ward of the province for the interim. (which is good and I will not post the details) My stepson’s mother has come forward to request adoption and raise Mathew with him which is great (we all get along wonderfully)

The problem is; social services and the legal system. It’s Nov 8th and I still can’t see the little guy to let him know that his stepgrandmother loves him and is there to talk to him and sooth him. Every day it is missed communications, slow process, people going on vacations without handing off the file and police checks that don’t go through which leaves this little babe to be alone in this incubator with only his dad, mother and other grandmother to visit. I’m sure the nurses are doing a wonderful job, but they are not family to fawn over him and help him thrive better. I want to be there.

On the weekend, a friend who had became a grandfather a week after me, had showed me a picture of his healthy swaddled 8lb grandson and was joking when he asked where my pictures were and said his grandbaby was cuter than mine. Of course I hadn’t talked about all the turmoil that I was going through and that my grandbaby was all hooked up to tubes and monitors and still wasn’t breathing on his own. Even if I could visit, no one was allowed to pick him up yet. This guy didn’t mean to hurt me; he just didn’t have a clue.

I’ve been wanting to cry ever since. And then there is the worry about any developmental issues he may have to endure. I worry. This is not how I pictured being a grandmother.

When I was a kid, my family used to take in foster children. We took in baby Theresa at one year old and kept her for a year. When my parents inquired about the possibility of adopting her, suddenly they said the parents wanted her back and they took her from our home. It was devastating and like a death. We never knew what happened to her, but wondered if we had kept our mouths shut......would I still have my baby sister in my life.....?

I feel very down lately, and with the social services giant, I feel if I push and cause a stink that they will slam the doors on me.

I don’t talk to my mother about Mathew because she’s already hinted that he isn’t really my direct family and I shouldn’t get so emotional about it. Maybe she is right and nobody gets close to a step parent anyways. Maybe social services see me a distant cast off and if my spouse doesn’t step up then I am just a nuisance.

I don’t know where I fit as a ‘step-‘grandparent. Am I a castoff at whim, something to be used and not taken seriously, or something of distant value? But I do feel that there is someone helpless out there that needs to be held close and protected and if not me and a few others, then who?

Is this Theresa all over again? Do my actions matter? Is Mathew okay and I’m worried over nothing? I feel so helpless.


Last edited by Angela on Mon 29 Nov 2010, 9:13 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Angela on Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:30 am

Thats a good idea, Leslie. If I'm around to make sure he knows he is loved and treasured, then it is just words on paper. A little assurance, just in case.
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Paradox on Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:47 pm

Off topic, but how cute would Angelas and Milos pups be all together in a basket? A basket full of adorable! Like a Star @ heaven
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Angela on Tue 23 Nov 2010, 9:15 am

Charlotte wrote:Off topic, but how cute would Angelas and Milos pups be all together in a basket? A basket full of adorable! Like a Star @ heaven

Mayhem, anarchy and chaos. "Dogs on fast forward". They won't be in the basket for long; trouble would ensue.

We are having a winter cold spell right now and I have to put them in winter jackets for their bathroom walks. I found out they can't poop when they can't stop shivering.
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  milo on Tue 23 Nov 2010, 11:05 am

Yes I suspect we would have only one willing participant. My blonde dog will pretty much put up with anything...lol The cold sure has put them on poo strikes.

Angela, did you take pics of your fabulous new grand son?
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Angela on Tue 23 Nov 2010, 12:14 pm

It is so difficult to take pictures through an incubator. This is a picture taken two weeks ago and not during my visit. I was afraid to take a picture as I thought the flash would wake him.

A picture just doesn't do him justice. Already he has grown so much. Life really is a miracle.

Thanks for asking


Last edited by Angela on Mon 29 Nov 2010, 9:10 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  lesherb on Tue 23 Nov 2010, 2:34 pm

Angela, your emails are so much happier since you've been given permission to see Matthew! I know what you will be thankful for this Thanksgiving! You could copy this thread for the journal. It sure is honest and will show this young man to-be how much we all were pulling for him!

£eslie
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Om on Thu 25 Nov 2010, 4:15 am

So glad you've seen him at last. And so glad he has you in his life as you obviously care for him enourmously.
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Little Matthew...

Post  Cluelesskitty on Fri 06 May 2011, 10:37 pm

I just came upon this thread Angela, and it grabbed my heart.

If it's okay, may I ask how the things developed with little Matthew?
How is the little tyke doing?

Risa


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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Angela on Mon 09 May 2011, 12:34 pm

Hi Risa

Much has happened since those last posts. Thanks for asking. I did finally get my rights to see Mathew every weekend but I wasn’t allowed to touch as he was so fragile, so I just stood by and talked quietly to him. MY family was very cold to me but I just ignored them. Just before Christmas I brought the topic up and was talking happily about how well he was doing and referred to myself as grandma, and my mother snorted, and said “you are not a grandmother!” Well, I had enough and I just blew up. I’ll save you the drama but I was deeply hurt and by Christmas time, she did apologize but it still sits between us today.

On Christmas day, my step daughter and I went to see him and the nurse was a real hag. We pulled the blanket back over the incubater to see his face and she pulled it back and said ‘don’t wake him’. I whispered back in a snap ‘we had no intention’ and pulled it back. I'm guessing she figured we were trash because social services were involved. Then she went to this other family and acted all sweet. My stepdaughter looked like she was going to cry. I told her that once Mathew was home, no one could do this to us again. That was a real low point.

Mathew finally came home on his due date January 11, 2011. He was still so tiny. Unfortunately for the other grandmother who took on the responsibility of being the main caregiver, even though he is a newborn, the government won’t accept Grandmother as a new parent so she had to go back to work right after her money ran out a month later (way to go government). The father cares for him most of the time and a family friend fills in when he is working or at school. My stepson had changed his life 360 degrees to the person he was, and has completely stepped up to bat for this little guy. Amazing what a miracle can do.

The great news is all of this crap is behind us. Mathew is thriving and healthy and appears to have no growth issues because of his early birth. I see him as much as I can and help out and babysit all I want. He is teething now and there is no issue as to my grandmother rights, or the adoption by the other grandmother. I am welcomed with open every time I go over. He is smothered in love and extended family and friends have been very supportive. The birth mother has a court order to see him once a week with two escorts because she is so unpredictable and we make the best of it. The birth mother's family have been met and they are warm people who have his best interest at heart also. It’s all coming up roses.

Except with my family, but they can pump sand.
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  milo on Mon 09 May 2011, 12:41 pm

Oh Angela, thanks so much for giving us an update. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy little Matthew is doing well and has so many supportive people in his life. What a great post to share with us. Smile
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Paradox on Mon 09 May 2011, 3:24 pm

I'm happy this turned out well for you Angela, AND for baby Matthew. I'm glad his life if surrounded with love and that you get to see him all you want. Woo hoo!

As for your family? I think you said it perfectly!
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Re: Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

Post  Cluelesskitty on Mon 09 May 2011, 4:12 pm

Oh, my. What a wonderful ending to one story,
the beginning of a new :]

Thank you so much Angela for letting me- all of us- having a peek into such an intimate bit of your life.

What rollercoaster for you!
I can't understand why would your own family behave in such a insensitive, patronizing way.
It's beyond me how some people can be so callous :[
I am blown away by the behaviour of your family, Angela and their lack of support for you.

But if it matters, Angela you totally have mine. I am behind you 100%, and I am sure everyone elses
on this board!
The great love that pours from every, single word of your every post ever written on Matthew, Angela,
is what moved me to tears, and I yearned to know the rest of yours and the lil' tyke story.
It also left me without slightest doubt that YOU ARE sweet Matthew REAL GRANDMA,
and if anybody dares to try say otherwise I am ready to rearrange his face!!!!

Just because there are no blood ties involved, doesn't meant the heart doesn't love with all its might!
The heart doesn't chose, doesn't discriminate. It just loves, period,

I am very happy with little Matthew progress, and the fact that you finally have the crappy obstacles
of seeing him all behind you Angela.
It is terrific that your son rose up to the occasion, that shows how great a Mom you are Angie.
It's always like that - eventually, it's back to the foundation we gave our kids, after all their silly rebellions :]

Thank you so much for an update Angela, I really appreciate you sharing that,
and I would love to hear about your lil' Matty and your son from time to time, if you don't mind.
Since good luck is with you guys I only wish you

~ further good luck!
Risa







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