Step grandmother, preemie, trouble, confused

I’m trying to be mature and patient but it is getting so hard.

Oct 17, my step son and his girlfriend had a baby at 28 weeks. 3 months premature. Mathew was born at 2 ½ lbs and I got to see him that morning. The mother has some ‘problems’ in judgement and the nurses picked up on this the very first day and social services was called in and the child became the ward of the province for the interim. (which is good and I will not post the details) My stepson’s mother has come forward to request adoption and raise Mathew with him which is great (we all get along wonderfully)

The problem is; social services and the legal system. It’s Nov 8th and I still can’t see the little guy to let him know that his stepgrandmother loves him and is there to talk to him and sooth him. Every day it is missed communications, slow process, people going on vacations without handing off the file and police checks that don’t go through which leaves this little babe to be alone in this incubator with only his dad, mother and other grandmother to visit. I’m sure the nurses are doing a wonderful job, but they are not family to fawn over him and help him thrive better. I want to be there.

On the weekend, a friend who had became a grandfather a week after me, had showed me a picture of his healthy swaddled 8lb grandson and was joking when he asked where my pictures were and said his grandbaby was cuter than mine. Of course I hadn’t talked about all the turmoil that I was going through and that my grandbaby was all hooked up to tubes and monitors and still wasn’t breathing on his own. Even if I could visit, no one was allowed to pick him up yet. This guy didn’t mean to hurt me; he just didn’t have a clue.

I’ve been wanting to cry ever since. And then there is the worry about any developmental issues he may have to endure. I worry. This is not how I pictured being a grandmother.

When I was a kid, my family used to take in foster children. We took in baby Theresa at one year old and kept her for a year. When my parents inquired about the possibility of adopting her, suddenly they said the parents wanted her back and they took her from our home. It was devastating and like a death. We never knew what happened to her, but wondered if we had kept our mouths shut......would I still have my baby sister in my life.....?

I feel very down lately, and with the social services giant, I feel if I push and cause a stink that they will slam the doors on me.

I don’t talk to my mother about Mathew because she’s already hinted that he isn’t really my direct family and I shouldn’t get so emotional about it. Maybe she is right and nobody gets close to a step parent anyways. Maybe social services see me a distant cast off and if my spouse doesn’t step up then I am just a nuisance.

I don’t know where I fit as a ‘step-‘grandparent. Am I a castoff at whim, something to be used and not taken seriously, or something of distant value? But I do feel that there is someone helpless out there that needs to be held close and protected and if not me and a few others, then who?

Is this Theresa all over again? Do my actions matter? Is Mathew okay and I’m worried over nothing? I feel so helpless.

Dear Angela,

Sweetheart, I can feel your pain right through my monitor into my heart! Of course you matter! You mentioned that the baby's father (your stepson?) is allowed to visit him so why can't he bring you with him? I don't understand.

By the way, I am a step-grandmother to 6 children. The first 2 were born before their natural grandmother passed away and knew her for years. So they call me by my first name. The other 4 were born after she passed on so they call me Grandma.

My husband and his first wife took in foster children, too. They adopted one of them and she is the mother of the 2 youngest grandchildren. So, yes, sometimes foster parents can adopt. The only problem is getting the biological parents to give up their parental rights. I don't think you lost your foster sister because your family inquired about adopting her. I'm sure her natural parents or mother just couldn't bring themselves to relinquish their rights to her.

I hope you hear some good news soon about the baby. Do try to let those in charge know that you're very interested in being a part of his life. Don't be afraid that will cause anything bad to happen.

All my best,
£eslie

I can't understand why it wouldn't be the utmost importance to have as many loving hands and voices around the babe as possible. My mother lived in Las Vegas before her death. She was a retired nurse and volunteered to rock and hold crack babies as they went through withdrawal. Those babies didn't care that she wasn't their natural grandmother, or their birth mother. All they knew was there were loving arms around them and a soothing voice to help them heal.

ICU nic units are sterile lonely places, I'm sure your step son could use your support also. I'm sorry Angela, and hope this gets resolved quickly. And no, I don't think you're wrong to be emotionally committed to this child. You are a caring, loving person, and it sounds like Matthew can use all if this that he can get!

Thanks Leslie

I can't see the wee guy because there was so much disruption at the hosptial on day one, that they want police checks on ALL selected visitors regardless of who caused those disturbances.

I feel like such an outsider sometimes and we've been together for 9 years. I hope this new guy helps bind me as family. Most of all, I hope I can hold and love and care for him. He's so tiny.

Hi Charlotte.

That is a hurting point. That I could be there and cooing to him and stroking his tummy, even if I can't hold him yet. Just so he knows about human contact. So he can feel the warmth and know he is not alone in that bubble.

Social services is a paperwork industry and the talk is about ''the best for the child'' but I've never shown anything but concern and calm. A police check, fine, but it only takes a few days and they are dragging this out a few weeks. Give me access already.

I have so many emotions.

I'm going to respond as a friend and not as someone with an insiders view of the MCFam.

This totally sucks for you! And your wee one. I don't think it matters if you are an oma, a grandma, a grannie, or a step version of any of the above...if you want to see him, and the family wants you to see him, you should be able to see him.

My goddaughter started in the NICU and it was torture not being able to touch her. We couldn't touch her at all, only mom and dad could. Only two additional people were allowed on the NICU list aside from mom and dad and my wife and I were those two, but we still had a whole lot of hassle getting in to see her.

One night I got stuck in the NICU for hours because of a security issue outside the NICU doors, a family member of one of the babies who had a restraining order. It caused a whole lot of commotion, which definately wasn't good for the NICU.

I hope this all gets cleared soon so you can meet the little man.

I can't wait to hear all about your first visit when it actually happens.

Angela,
I don't know much about Canadian rules, but I am sure that here in Italy it would be 1,000 times worse. It's practically impossible to adopt a kid here. Most couples (or relatives of the kid) who want to adopt a child must go abroad. You know why? Because orphanages are sustained by the State so - less kids in the orphonage, less money for the structure...how sad....especially if you think that orphanages are mainly ruled by Catholic nuns.....

Anyway. I think that you can certainly help in this situation. You are well informed and ready to fight for Matthew's rights. So, you can either directly face the situation with authorities and support Matthew's grandma with bureaucratic steps.

A kid considers parents those who love, protect and respect him/her.

My father has two sisters. One of them is a step-sister.
My granpa, during WWII, saved her from the orphanage and he and my grandma raised her. They never adopted her because in those years the war made anything impossible in Europe - it was a sort of anarchic land for certain laws.
My aunt knows her biological parents and sisters, but she considers her family the one that raised her despite she was never legally adopted and still has a different family name.
She's my favourite aunt, she's my godmother and she's my father's favourite sister. He'd do anything for her and she'd do the same for my daddy.

So, go ahead and just love Matthew unconditionally. It's always the best thing for a kid

What a tough situation, and yes, what a worry. Not sure if your step-son and his mum are doing this already but they might want to do 'kangaroo care'.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo_care

The skin to skin contact is so important to babies, especially preemies. Even with IV's and tubes the hospital should help promote it.

I hope things get resolved so you can visit soon.

Take care

Thanks for talking to me everyone. I’m feeling much better today. I love the kangaroo touch idea and wish the hospital would allow that. Rereading my post and your replies, I realized I have a few issues muddling things up and need to deal with it separately. Being a ‘step’ parent doesn’t lessen my quality interactions with people unless I choose to make it so. Only I am holding that stigma and insecurity.

My fear of big government organizations such as social services is based on childhood experiences, but I’m an adult now and this is today. Everything has changed. Last night I talked to the father and the other grandmother and I found out that it wasn’t the social services that were now holding back the visits, but rather the hospital. The NCIU didn’t want any visitors because the baby gains weight when he sleeps. They don’t want anyone touching or waking Mathew. Well fine. The last time I was there I stood to the side and watched over him and didn’t say a word except in quiet prayer and in adoration, it is my right to do so. How nice of you staff not to have anyone bug you during the day.

Today I’m not depressed. Today I’m mad and will tell you calmly, outside of the critical care area.

First I’m calling the Team leader and then I will go from there. This grandmother is tired of licking her wounds and wants to be there to witness the growth and care of the little guy that needs her protection.

Go Angela!

How different from when my son was NICU. After the first couple days when the shock wore off I became more aware of my surroundings. (both of my boys as infants had seizures when they were 12 hours old. My second one continued to have them for about a week so we were in NICU longer. Diagnosis : Benign Familial Seizure Activity. Translation: We don't know what caused it but it seems to run in the family. Wow! Thanks!)

What I noticed was that even though the unit was full I was the only parent there consistently, round the clock. I stayed at Ronald McDonald house across the street but only slept in 3-4 hours stretches so I could get up and pump milk for Robert. I finally asked the nurse where all the other parents were. She said very sadly "If the parents had cared about them in the first place, the majority of these babies wouldn't be here".

I'm astounded that they don't want people there. I can understand not waking the baby, but why not be there when the baby wakes and needs to be soothed? I can also understand limiting the number of visitors at a time, but I don't understand why your step son and the other grandmother can't get a reprieve from someone who is so anxious to help. Sounds fishy to me and that the nurses don't want the hassle

I still haven't been able to see my little grandson. More running around. This person pointing to another department and off we go for another week of incompetance and I am so frustrated. I received a little video from the other grandmother and he is growing so fast I can't beleive it.

I’m feeling so lost again today as I wait for another phone call that is not likely to come. I will give it to 2:00.

I want to show this picture to my other family members but I’ve already been given the cold reception. My sister hasn’t even phoned and congradulated me and was so rude earlier this year in her words when my daughter in law was pregnant and lost her baby (came just shy of saying it was for the better even after I said I had a rough time). My mother did come out and say that she was not the great grandmother because she wasn’t related to those people. I’m afraid to show it to my brothers. Don’t know what that reaction will be. Likely the nuts aren’t far from the tree. My father is polite as always. (don’t want to piss off mom). Logically I know I shouldn’t care what they think. Maybe this new family can take my attention away from them all.

So who do I show my grandchild to but a few choice people and you guys because you have already showed me acceptance?

What’s the matter with people?! I’m the old crone of this child’s village and I need to administer the love it needs. If not me, then who? Why the boundaries in today’s society?!!

Should I send the pictures to my mother/sister and force the issue? Should I shut my mouth and walk away?

Hi Angela,

The baby looks so strong and healthy! I am so happy you shared this video. While you are understandably frustrated about not being able to see him, I'm sure you are relieved to see how he is growing.

I hope you will soon have permission to visit with him and let him know there is another person out there who loves him beyond belief.

Best wishes,
£eslie

Thanks, Leslie

In the end, that is all that matters.

So many emotions bubbling up and I'm striking out everywhere. Once I see him, I will be fine.

Your words are calming.

Angela,

Thank you for posting the video. He's so alert! I wasn't expecting that. I'm so sorry that the powers to be are still be difficult. As active as the babe is it it's obvious to me that as much interaction and touching when he's awake would be a good thing.

I don't understand how people can turn their backs on babies, or any child. On the other forum I was slammed for "not caring" for kids. Far from the truth. I just spent $70 on the very child I was accused of not having compassion for so that she could have warm footie pajamas that fit and shirts that cover her belly. Her mom has money for cigarettes and alcohol though......aaarrrgggghhhhh. Sorry, I went off on my own tangent on your thread. (I guess I needed to vent that, but don't want to start a flame war on the other thread).

I'm not a huge Hillary Clinton fan, but I do agree with her that it takes a village. The more people involved in a child's live the better.

As for your relatives, even though they don't care about this child, shouldn't they respect the fact you do? I believe they should.

Any idea how many more roadblocks until you see him?

Little Matthew is adorable! Thanks for sharing him.

I just don't understand...what is it to your family who he is other then a little person who is near and dear to you and one that you call family?

If he is special to you, he is special to you and they can accept that or choose not to, either way, he stays special to you.

A biological link is not what makes family family. Love makes family.

It should be no different if this was a child your best friend had, or your adopted child had, or a step-child. It's how you identify with the child that matters. Be damned with anyone with a mind so closed that they cannot see that.

Thanks Charlotte. It's a stupid police check and I can't figure out why I need one. I'm not the one that caused trouble, infact, at the meetings, I was the calm and rational one. It's now in the hands of laziness and incompetance as it sits on someone else's desk to when they get to it. A police check only takes a day and I am on week three. Vacations, position changes, not answering the phone or returning my calls, saying another person is responsible who is on vacation, etc. I am calling this person every day now. Today I am calling her supervisor if I don't get an answer. I expect to see my gransdon this weekend.

You are right, Milo, and you know, I have new wind in my sails today. When I am with my mother and sister and they made negative comment about my grandson and situation that they don't like, I'm not going to just sit there and shut up and give them the excuse that 'they will never change'. I'm going to tell them that what they said is rude and to get used to the new order of things. They can take the lumps instead of me.

Today I'm not hurting. Today I'm mad.

Thanks guys.

I got a call today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now have access to see Mathew on the weekends. When I got the call I was in a restaurant with a friend and when I hung up, I just started crying in joy, love and releif. Two days until then and I can't wait!!!

Oma is coming sweetie!! Let the natural bonding begin.

(Insert happy dance here)

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the weekend is right around the corner. WOO HOO.

Give that Little Darlin' some extra lovin from all of us (and give yourself a hug too...)

Yeah!!!
I'm thrilled for you
Can't wait to hear how it has gone

So happy to hear the good news! Be sure to come back and tell us all about your little bundle of joy!

I will never forget this day. We walked into the NICU room and other families were in the room, cooing over their babies. Some incubators were covered and some babies were being attended to. We walked up to Mathew's incubator bassenette #14 that was covered with a white yellow and green quilt.

He was so incredibly tiny; weighed in a 3 lbs yesterday. His head is the size of my fist and he had a fuzz of black hair on his head, and as small as he is, he looks every much a baby. He only had a tiny tube going up his nose and gone are all the evasive scarey wires and CPAP gear. He is breathing on his own and wiggling in his sleep with little gassy smiles, his legs stretching and his little fists clenching in the air. His eye opened for a brief second and I got to see his beautiful blue iris'that will see the world.

Covered in soft blue blankets he looked warm and content and cared for. For the first time since his birth I felt that he was okay. The panic inside of me evaporated. I looked to Jim and seen the same look of fascination in his face and asked him what he was thinking. He said 'full circle''. It's like we have closed an important loop.

I soaked in so much in those quiet moments as I witnessed the beginnings of his life. He has so much growing to do and it will be a while before I get to hold him. But I now have access to see him all weekend, every weekend.

My world makes sense again

Angela, I am so happy you fought for your right to see Matthew. I am also thrilled that his health is good and you witnessed the good care he is receiving.

May I suggest something? Perhaps you could keep a journal of his life to present to him when he gets older. For that invariable time when he feels the world is against him and nobody loves him (we all think that at one time or another). Sharing your impressions and love which you felt the moment he was born may be one of the greatest gifts you can give to this future man.

All my best wishes for you and your family.

£eslie

So happy to read your post!

Excellent idea, Leslie, I journaled just a few things when the kids were little and I cherish the thoughts when I reread them.

My DIL kept a diary when she and my son started dating way back when she was a Sophomore in High School. We loved reading what she wrote. They just got married in June. In high school she had written "I'm waiting for the love of life to call. Heath Ledger you ask? No, his name is Bob Smith (my son), and he is the sweetest, handsomest man in the world. Sorry Heath!"

Your words and memories will mean so much to Matthew. From what you've said about his Mom the poor lad is going to have struggles in his life.

Reading about how much he was loved will help boost his confidence.

I'm so happy you got this moment!