A parent with migraine...

I find it extremely difficult being a parent with M.
Especially as I am getting older.

Truthfully, I don't (never did) deep down feel adequate as a parent b/c of M (migraines).

It is hard enough if you have deficiencies because you are a terrible cook and have a hard time disciplining alone,
add to it a chronic pain and frequent severe M episodes that impairs your daily functioning = eehhhhhh...

How do you peeps manage as a parent with M and additional ailments?

Risa

I feel very fortunate that mine didn't become chronic until my boys were 21 and 16. Even though the youngest (Robert) is moderately mentally handicapped he is fairly independent and with his mild autism he tends to keep to himself anyway.

Hubby is great about overlooking the messy house and doing laundry. Plus he likes to cook (tall and good looking too, no he is not for sale). (but, he is an irritating driver!).

I feel some guilt that perhaps Robert would be better at some things if I could spend more time playing games like concentration with him, but I just don't have it in me. You guys understand.

But, luckily I only had to deal with about one a month when the boys were little.

Yeah, I have a 23 month old. We were married for 7 years before we got pregnant. I have had migraines for almost 9 years now. We put it off, hoping to get rid of the migraines first. I am in a much better place now than 5 or 6 years ago. I would not have been capable of taking care of my son then. Now it is a complete challenge. I am fortunate that I do not work too.

We were considering having another baby. We thought long and hard on it, and the answer is no. It would not be fair to my son, or husband or me, or a new baby. I have a hard enough time with my son, and don't want to make it worse, so to speak. Normally, I am pretty capable, but there have been time when I had to call a relative for help. I feel mad at the migraine, when I can't do the things I want to with him. Many times we don't go outside, or for a walk. Many times it is a quiet day and I lay on the floor and play with him. I am lucky that I can close off rooms and use baby gates!

I know when I need help. My husband works 2nd shift, 3pm-11pm. I can rest in the morning, before he leaves, and about the time he leaves Maximus takes a nap. So if I am really bad off, I just have to get though the evening to bedtime. Sometimes I order in food, or skip his bath, or just let the toys stay where they lay. I can only do what I can do. As I said it is challenging. I am resentful of migraines for taking this from my son, for making me have to decide whether having another child is going to rock the boat, and for just being a pain in my...head. But its what I got, and when I got pregnant I knew it was going to be hard, but until we did it, we would never know if we could.

I really feel for you trying take care of small children with a migraine. With my noise sensitivity I don't know how I'd make it. Luckily my daughter was already off to college when my migraines started. And she has been wonderfully supportive and helpful through all of this. I guess God gives what He knows we can manage.

We thought long and hard on it, and the answer is no.

After my first baby, I was so in heaven I immediately wanted a second one.
Back then, I had major M episodes on average 2-3 per month and some lesser ones, so I thought I could handle it.

I tried, I got pregnant again and had had such a horrid, horrid M with nausea the entire time while pregnant that
when I miscarriaged close to the end of the first trimester - I was actually relieved.

The fear of having to go thru another nightmare like that stopped me from getting pregnant ever again,
but also a deep feeling of guilt for not letting my daughter to have any siblings.
Which I believed is every child's right, b/c if we parents eventually die, what close blood family are our children left with?
I did toyed with adoption, but the amount of difficulties involved .... it is beyond me.

Then a few years later I started having such a severe M on almost daily basis, and then ended up with lesser but chronic M that now I thank my lucky stars I only have one child.
I wouldn't be able to raise two kids, period.

It's not easy to be parent with M. It is not easy to make choices we have to do.

What may look like a selfish behaviour to those who "don't get it",
is in fact quite the opposite - a decision undertaken with lots of pain and sacrifice.

Risa

Migrainegirl wrote: I guess God gives what He knows we can manage.

Life doesn't happen like that. Sometimes it is too much and we break.

I have often felt that way too,Angela....broken.....

Ah Steph, I know the feeling and like for all of you, I'm sorry we go through this.

I too did not have kids due to my health. It was a long and difficult decision but one I know in m heart was the right decision.

We still discuss fostering children, and may possibly do that when the time feels right.

Steph have you considered using soft earplugs some of the time so that you can dull the noise? Earplugs have been my lifesaver as I can still hear but the harshest parts get dulled.

I may try the earplugs!! Not for my kid though, he is funny , more of the strong slient type!LOL the neighbor kids just scream and scream. Some of my other neighbors have complained about it as well. There are times when I feel bad and even though the weather is nice, I just can't go and hang out outside. It is things like that that make me feel a bit guilty. I have often lost patience with him and took myself a time out! funny. Right now it is ok, but I couldn't add another baby. I feel very resentful to migraine for this, but at the same time I am thankful for what I have. Thanks though for the support! You are right too, not every one gets it.

Try different types, or even just wearing earbuds from an mp3 player can work in a pinch.

You can find some ear plugs that are very unnoticable yet work well enough to dull the neighbor kids. If you find the right pair, you will be able to still hear your own son when he calls out to you.

Earplugs have been a lifesaver for me and I keep disposables with me everywhere I go.

RE; kids screaming.
I read in some parenting guidance books that kids scream because they have to.
It's how they exercise their young lungs, and help them grow and mature.

Which doesn't mean any kind of yelling and screaming is acceptable, nor they can do it at just any place or situation.
It's the parents job to teach them when and how to is appropriate to make "loud".

But SOMEWHERE they have to.

So, if they are at the playground, they need to let out b/c it's one of the very few places where kids can be kids
and go "full speed"

and if we, the families happen to live close by to one - well, shucks..
probably the earplugs or soundproofing the house is good idea.

I don't know if it's true, but supposedly humble egg cartoons are a good sound proof material:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4683525_soundproof-room-using-egg-cartons.html



note on the side
(heart thumping...)
if you have super sensitive ears, don't get a barky dog...

Risa

I ended up getting a pair of "musicians earplugs" that are custom molded to your ear canal. They are a lifesaver. They work much better than the foam type and actually stay in my ear instead of always falling out. They cost about $120 from an audiologist. It is about the only way I survive really noisy environments.

My daughter had ADHD (a major case) and was what you would call a handful. It was all I could do to manage her when she was young. That cured me from any ideas about having a second. She was literally exhausting and could outlast me well into the late hours of the night every night, even when she was a toddler. The sleep deprivation and the noise would just not have been doable with M. Now she is a great, outgoing, well adjusted 22 year old who just has a lot of energy. She still has trouble with focusing on major school work, and struggles with disorganization, but otherwise seems to be doing fine. So she is a wonderful blessing, but I couldn't have had 2 or even 1 with the migraines. God saved that for later.

When I said "God gives us what he knows we can handle", maybe I'm just trying to be optimistic. I was never strong on patience, but living with an ADHD kid, I definitely had to learn it. I think God throws out the challenges so we can learn from them and grow stronger.

What lesson are we learning from Migraine? Well, I've learned a lot about the limits of the healthcare system and what it is not providing for those in need. I've learned about the limits of the traditional "throw meds at it" approach, and why that may not be the magic cure all we've all been trained all our lives to believe. I've learned compassion for those who are struggling daily with health issues and how much it effects their life and those of their families. I'm not sure what to do with these lessons, but I try to provide information and support where ever I can. Hopefully in the future I can join with others who want to do something to improve all these things we all have experienced that are so lacking in our medical system and our doctors. It may not be the battle I would have picked, but apparently its picked me so its the one I'll fight.