Tired, frustrated, and sad

Hi Everybody, My name is Kim. I used post on Ronda's forum until it shut down. I didn't know where to go until Clueless Kitty contacted me and let me know about this place. Hi to everybody I know from Ronda's. Its good to see some familiar names. And hi to everybody I hope to get to know better.

So today I am resting from the last round with the migraine monster when another hits. I just feel so defeated right now. I lost yet another job in May. I'd been honest with my boss about filing for FMLA and before I could turn in my physician documentation, I got fired for being "unproductive and ineffecient." I know its really the migraines and attendance, but can't prove it. I didn't even fight this time. I've been so hammered on the last 2 years I just don't feel like I have any fight left. I just can't seem to work up any energy to feel. I'm so tired.

I filed for SS disability in May as well. I won't know anything until August, but I'm pretty sure it will be denied. SS usually denies people the first 1-3 times, so I'm going to just keep fighting and appealing until I get the benefits. They are requesting my medical history. Maybe now all the darn ER visits will be in my favor. I'm accessing prescription assistance programs so I can keep my med costs down. One good thing is that I qualified for free Relpax through the PAP. My Dr. wrote the script for a 90 day supply at the max dosage. That is almost a thousand dollars of medications that I get free.

I feel like a zombie between the migraines and medications. My daughter loves that I'm home with her, but gets upset sometimes when I can't take her to go do something fun. I understand how she feels and feel guilty when I can't keep my promises. She is a terrific kid and very supportive. She wants to hold my hand after I give myself the Toradol shot.

I feel so useless right now. It just feels like I've given up and let the migraines take control of my life. On top of that, I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis in February. On the one hand, I'm glad to know what's with the terrible back and neck pain. On the other hand, what next?? The migraines make me want to stay in bed in the cold, quiet, dark. The spondylitis pain makes me want to get out of bed. Moving around is pretty much the recommended way to relieve that pain. Oh, the irony.

I have a wonderful supportive family. I don't know what I'd do without my parents. Being a single mom is hard enough, but being a disabled single mom is more than I know what to do with sometimes. I feel like a burden sometimes even though they tell me I'm not. I'm just so tired of fighting a disease that seems incurable and untreatable. Sorry, I'm really feeling overwhelmed today and wanted to cry on a sympathetic and understanding shoulder. f

Oh I know the feeling. I filed for disability and it took a while but I got it. I am not thrilled to be on it, BUT I can't work. That is all there is to it. I tried and tried and tried, and lost so many jobs. Mostly due to attendence. I had a low period, before I was approved, and felt totally useless. Then reality set in. There are so many people who abuse disability, and that is what makes it hard to get. That and the fact that you usually can't see our problems on any scans or tests.

I am not a single mother, however my closest family member is 30minutes away and works full time. It is very difficult for me to get help with my son. He is 2. I had him after going on disability. My DR and lawyer both expressed to me that having a family is not out of the question. Difficult yes, but not "wrong" being that I am considered disabled. (There have been many comments made about the fact that I am on disability and then had a baby.) Being that I am only 34, disability does not pay a whole lot, but it does help with some of my medical costs. Also, in case you didn't know, you will be able to receive benefits to help with you kid too. It is a relief knowing something is coming in.

I felt so lost for a while. Thinking there was something more I was supposed to do with my life than have these damn migraines! I often feel guilty with the "not right now, Mommy doesn't feel good." It is no fun to try to explain to a child that it is hard enough to take care of their basic need on any given day, let alone do anything more. It is very challenging, and after I had Maximus, I decided that was the something more I would dedicate myself to.

I am hoping that you are able to take some comfort knowing that you are not alone and many of us feel the way you do. That was a big thing for me, thinking I was alone and no one knew what the hell was wrong with me. Please take care, and hold hands when you do the shot!!!

I'm glad you found us again, Kimba. And I'm sorry you're so low.

Would the fact that you've lost two jobs actually help you get disability? Wouldn't it support that you can't work? It may just be a blessing in disguise though I'm sure that's hard to see right now.

It's hard to never feel healthy. Thank goodness for the internet, where we can reach out and have companions who understand.

I hope you feel better today.

(P.S. I was Joan on Rondas. Many of us changed names)

Hi Kim. Sorry you are feeling bummed. Know how discouraging it can be. Hang in there and keep trying things. Something is bound to help eventually.

And don't beat yourself up too badly. Likely you will raise a very empathetic child. In the end it is the love that matters, not the 'fun' things or material gifts. I know way too many kids whose patents gave them everything and catered to their every desire for activities every minute of the day. They are not particularly happy, independent or well adjusted. As long as your child knows he is loved and supported, he will learn to work around your illness and develop resilience and self reliance. Good traits to have.

Well said, MG. I always worried about my eldest son. His little brother was handicapped and very sick for the first five years of his life, so big brother didn't get as much attention as I would have liked. Plus, Hubby and I were broke, I could only work part time. So there were alot of "no, we can't afford it".

My eldest is now 26 and is a Special Education Teacher. In HS he was a super jock who admitted to being a Mamas boy. Awwwww....

I do think it's the kids who grow up with challenges that turn out the best instead of the ones who continue to think the world will be handed to them.

Hi Kim, I am so glad to see you here, however very sorry about what brought you here - I wish the occasion
was happier for you.
It sure sucks the way you are feeling now- the M, the boss firing you the AS, and everything.

But sweetheart you are NOT useless nor worthless!
You have at least two serious diseases that in an ideal world, should gave you the right to have an assistant in dally life
to help you in dally chores, cooking, and taking care of child and assisting YOU.
Instead, not only you don't have anyone at all times to hand you whatever and whenever, but you have to take care
of everything else by yourself.
So, just think how much you are accomplishing already while in your difficult situation, sweetie.
You are NOT useless, your are doing far more than your condition normally allows, come to think of it.

You are a great mom despite all, and never forget that.
So what if something sometime prevent you from fulfilling your promise to your daughter. Yeah, that does suck
but then I knew pple who promised stuff and then got just drunk our of their mind, end of story.
You should have seen their child's face :[

And you sweetie, you have legitimate reason to not be able to fulfill certain obligation - you have a disease
you have no control over! other pple chose to be drunk, or chose go to the bar with their friends over their kids!
so there!

Thank heavens for your great parents, too as some don't even have that, sigh.
And that your medication got covered. I also take triptans, and can't imagine what would I do if those weren't covered.
I probably would end up under a bridge, homeless, because I'd rather pay for the triptans than mortgage...
Here's my tip in case you haven't heard of it yet - if Relpax alone won't take care of pain right away, try take it together
with a good painkiller, like T3 or even oxycodone. It will work a lot better!

Don't give up, sweetheart. You are somebody, just somebody with a condition, a thing that sometimes
sticks its bothersome nose where it does not belong, is all.
You are great person, Kim, great mom, and don't you dare think any less!

Risa

to you Kim

How are you doing, Kim?

Risa

Hi Kim, glad you found us, not happy to hear you doing unwell.

It sounds like the one thing our countries have in common on this site is that they all pretty much deny our disability claims.

It seems they all start out declining, but that it can be won...so please don't give up.

Being a single parent is hard, hard work. Love and guidance, support and the regular basics is all your child needs....all the others are just extras in life.

I hope you find the support you need here. There is a great core of very caring folks here.

bump

How are you doing Kim?